Truth & Comfort

Let slip the dime
from trembled fingertips
the slow roll to the edge
and then the drop
I catch quickly the weakness
as it trembles on lips of truth
lick it back and take it in
inhale quickly
a sigh of relief

Now smile
and try again

On the Cusp

I feel this undeniable need to walk across the beach, to feel the wet sand embrace my bare feet as I walk out to the waters edge. To feel the cold rush of excitement and chill as the waves quickly cover the tops of my feet and dampen the cuffs of my jeans. I want so desperately to walk out against the pushing tides, feel the ocean envelope me as I move deeper into it’s swirling cold, then stop at the edge of the abyss and steady myself with my arms as the currents push me back and carry me forward. I want to take a shallow breath before stepping out over the abyss and kicking deep, feeling the cold swirl of the ocean water rush up to wrap around me. I wish to stay suspended over the deepest and darkest unknown as I gaze up at the moon, watching as it stares back unblinking, yet with a welcomed warmth of familiar. Maybe it’s just the Pieces in me, longing for the sea. Maybe it’s the Aquarius in me, wanting to show mother nature that I am unafraid and in control as I spiral completely out of it… or maybe it’s just a loneliness, needing to be filled…

The Barrier

Every night at 1:09 the power flickers and then goes off, it struggles to come back but then fails again and stays off until 1:11… It was curious the first couple of times. Tonight was the seventh night in a row it has happened.

Maybe it’s something more, maybe, just maybe, every night at 1:09 there is a force at work, struggling to break through, to gain entry.

Imagine masses of hungry, beady eyed monsters, snouts slick with hunger and nostrils flaring as they push and strain, crushing the smaller ones in their surge. Hate rising like steam from their scaled flesh as their cries slip passed the barrier, filling the night with terrible sounds. The birds burst silently from their nests within the trees and disappear into the folds of night, the insects all fall silent in fear, waiting with abated breath. The neighbors sleep unaware as I stand at my window, waiting for the dam to break, for the lost battle to begin, as I cautiously stare into the darkness. For two minutes I wait, alone…
Then the lights come back, the fridge hums to life, the clocks begin their flashing alerts, and I alone breathe a sigh of relief…

Damsel in Distress

Wine swirls under thoughts that twirl
Trying to hide behind the cigarette smoke curls
I see you there
Silently strangling the glassware
Lost in an unimagined nightmare
I see you there
Shoulders shaking in despair
As laughter rises from somewhere
I see you there
Hiding amongst the fanfare
Wanting to be elsewhere in prayer
I see you there
Sitting so cautiously in that chair
Wanting so desperately to find repair
I see you there
Lost in that forbear stare
Ensnared in an unfair lair
I see you there
And before you prepare to choose somewhere
Know that
He does still care

Anonymous Encounters (Pt.1)

You sit at some non-descript table in some unnamed place, the air conditioning almost painfully chilly. Customers come and go, employees clean or sneak away to take breaks as you sit anxiously waiting. The worn thin t-shirt and sweat pants we agreed on seemingly inapt at keeping you feeling any kind of security. You grip tight the phone in your hands so you at least look like you are doing something other than debating on whether or not you should be here.

I come in casually, just like any other customer wearing a t-shirt and jeans. You raise your eyes for a second but then they drop straight back down. I can only smile at your timid nature. As I make my way towards you my smile grows, as I watch you concentrate hard on the black face of your cell phone. I stand before your table and you look up slowly, a mixed look of desire and caution creases your brow.

I reach down and slide my hand into yours, feel the heat of your hand and the dampness of your anxiety as I pull you gently from your seat and lead you to the unisex restroom with the lockable door. As we enter I engage the lock and turn to you as you wrestle your hands together in nervousness.

“Hi.” You say sheepishly before I raise my finger to your lips and quiet you. The finger of my right hand traces your bottom lip as I move closer, taking in the smell of your still damp hair from the shower you took before you came, the smell of the shampoo intoxicating me with lust.

We move as one towards the wall. I use my fingers and with a careful caress turn your head to the side, as my breath swims in heated circles across your neck the nervousness that you held evaporates into desire. A small moan betrays your silence as my fingertips trace down from the other side of your neck, over your collarbone and down passed your breast to rest on your hip.
As my lips part and I take in the taste of your perfect skin my grip tightens upon your hip, pulling you into me. My left hand catches your arm starting to embrace me and pushes it up and against the wall gently but firmly. Letting you know that this is going to be a one way encounter and today, I am the one in charge.

My tongue teases your earlobe as your hair cascades down over my face and you writhe against my body wanting to feel my reaction to you grow hard with want. I push against you with shared desire, the metal handicap bar cuts into your ass almost in a painful way but it only adds to the pleasure as you hook a leg around mine and squeeze.

My left hand reaches down to your encircling calf, the thin layer of sweat pants barely even a barrier as the heat from my hand soaks through and finds your skin. I kiss down the side of your neck, no longer teasingly but with a fierce hunger to taste every part of you.

I move my right hand down off of your t-shirt covered hip to the top of your thigh, pulling your sweat pants down at an angle by about ten inches, exposing your skin to my heated touch. My arm encircles around you, the muscles in my forearm straining against you as my hand cups your ass inside the sweat pants. My left hand snakes under your t-shirt and finds its way up your back as my tongue rushes across your flesh, down to your collarbone.

Your breathing is coming in heaving gasps as I embrace you close, my head reels back as we share a look of madness before we kiss for the first time. Completely gone are any notions of youthful caution as we bypass the idea of flirting and instead settle into a feverish desire of greed to consume every ounce of passion that is being shared.

The awkward angle of us leaves me no choice but to pull my right hand away from your ass so as to pull down the collar of your shirt as my kisses descend down once again. The heated hunger of the moment leaves the back of the shirt tightening across the back of your neck as the material strains and a few strands give way before I stop pulling. I nuzzle my way deep into your t-shirt, hungry to taste the rise of your breast, to feel that perfect skin slide under my tongue. Without wanting to fumble with my fingertips for the bottom of the shirt I simply run my hand palm open across the exposed portion of your hip and then push upward, my hand cupping the underside of your breast. I push up with a kneading motion as my lips search lustfully for more from above.

My left hand finds the bottom of the back of your t-shirt and without thinking starts to lift it free from being pinned against the wall. You move towards me slightly and the shirt comes free and in the same motion you throw up your arms and I continue to strip it away from you, revealing the perfection of your partially nude body to me. A slight mix of worry enters your eyes as you watch me take the sight of you in. You need not worry, for I am immediately enthralled. The hunger tears through the longing and lust floods back into my eyes as I see you grin.

No longer barred by clothing, my hands trace the pathways of your body, my lips kissing your shoulder as I give in to discovery with closed eyes. So completely am I lost to the moment that at first I don’t recognize your fingers playing at the button of my jeans until it is too late and you force the zipper down and slide a hand inside my jeans, trying to grasp my completely and free me. I brace my left hand against your collarbone and push you back. As I bend my knees and lower myself down, your hand comes free and grabs for the handicap rail as my right hand circles around you at the small of your back and pulls you off balance and towards me. My lips an inch from the waistline of your sweat pants.

I look up at your closed eyes and know what you want as you lean your head back and against the wall. I trace my fingertips with kisses as they play at the waistband before sliding down to the outside of your thigh where I push harder until the sweat pants start to move down. Slowly and teasingly I kiss down your bare flesh, across your hip, down your pelvis, down the very inside of your thigh as the pants come free and bunch up at your knees. My hands knead deeply into your ass as I pull you to my mouth, my lips finding the outside of you, my tongue tracing lustful circles across your skin, my breath rushing through your neatly trimmed pubic hair.

You gasp as I take you completely into my mouth, teeth gently sliding over your clit as I run my tongue deep inside you in one slow motion from bottom to top, and then kiss just above your clit, letting my lips trail down around the inside of your thigh again in a teasing motion. I know what you want but you are not in control and I take my time with it.

I kiss my way upwards as I stand, my left arm encircling you in an embrace as my right hand is free to explore across your calf at first, then up the inside of your thigh. Across the wetness of you my knuckles run as I lazily trail the back of my hand across your skin, to your hip where my palm opens and pulls you close as we kiss for a second time.

I kiss the swell of a breast as my hand slides down, fingers moving over your clit, over your lips, pushing them aside but not to make a hasty entry but rather to tease as they move down and I cup you in my hand, letting my wrist move against your clit as my fingers slowly open and close. The wetness of you makes everything slide together beautifully and I taste the sweat on the side of your neck as my middle finger slides just inside of you to the first knuckle before coming back out so I can rub the palm of my hand against you.

Straddling your right leg I move against you, letting you feel how excited I am as my hand moves over you. You free your right arm and slide inside my jeans once again where you free me from my own barrier of clothing. You buck hard and twist and before I know it you are holding me in your hand, the head of me pressed against your pubic hair. You strain to get to an angle where you can feel me inside you but I push you back against the wall, denying you the ability to take control.

A look of devilish betrayal enters your eyes but disappears as I push myself forward; sliding passed your quivering thighs and pushing against the waiting wetness of you. You go up on tip toes in an effort to take me inside you as your hand comes down to guide me in. I catch your wrist in my own hand and pull it free as I smile and push you back against the wall again.

Bending over slightly I take a nipple completely into my mouth as my hands explore downward. My hands splay your thighs and run over you. I take as much of your breast into my mouth as I can and slide two fingers deep inside you in one motion. I feel you tighten around my fingers as your breath explodes from your lungs. Slowly at first I start to fuck you with my fingers, cupping my hand so that I can also rub your clit at the same time. As you start to ease open more I speed up. All the while kissing and breathing across the flesh of your breasts, teasing with hot air and warm licks.

As things intensify and you get closer to coming, I start using more force to control you. When your knees start to buckle I hold you up, when you try to wiggle free for a break I simply pull you back and hold you in place for more. Your hands reach up and grab the back of my head, fingers entwining in hair, you pull, testing at first, and then more forcefully when you realize it isn’t getting a reaction. It isn’t long before my neck muscles are bulging as I keep my head still regardless of how hard you pull and push. So infuriated are you by your inability to move me that when you start to come it is like an awakening that you didn’t see coming. Your orgasm explodes from you in such a rush of adrenaline that lights dance in front of your eyes and you get light headed to the point of almost passing out.

As the world comes back into focus you notice that I am holding you. Together we stand for a few minutes, sharing in the experience. Slowly you pick up your t-shirt and pull it on as I fix my own clothing. After we are dressed we share a hug that translates into an unspoken goodbye embrace. As we pull away you start to say something but I just hold a finger up to your lips and say, “Shh.” As I turn, unlock the door, step outside, and disappear back into the anonymous masses of the city.

Blood Is…

Always thought there would always be
A tomorrow to summon
The courage to loosen
The question never mentioned
Eyes moistened with a mixture
Of saddened regret
And burdened forget-
Fullness of limitless abandonment
Blood is…
But what of armor imagined
Ignorance blissfully bundled
Against fear, fortune, and family
Formalities forgotten
Willfully
Regretfully
Favoring the fool
Of unknown paternity
Blood is…
To be blessed
Bestowed
Celebrated
Like the Pharaoh
The sparrow
And the willow
Blood is…
Something a coward
Can never know

Winners & Losers

Somehow I found myself looking through old computer files that I had saved on a CD ROM years ago, kind of like jumping on a roller coaster into the past. Found some old chats that I had saved, wasn’t sure why I saved them but I am both glad and sad that I did. I let a really good friend slip from my life once, someone who was a positive influence on life and who never once did anything to hurt me. I did it out of guilt, out of some strange sense of urgency that if I didn’t push her out then the suspicions she had of my character would be revealed and I would have to watch her walk away. So instead, like I always have, I pushed her out, wiped my hands on a fictitious napkin of indifference, and went on about things as if it were for the better good.

It wasn’t, and I am an asshole, but years have passed now and I am sure she has long since stopped caring, long since stopped wondering, and long since decided that I wasn’t worth her time. She would be right about that of course. She had ambition, drive, determination, all the things that I lacked. She had morals, and we all know I don’t even know what the fuck a moral is.

It was an interesting friendship though, one I had never had before and one which I have never had since. It wasn’t a “sister/brother” type of friendship, nor was it a one sided love infatuation, or a buddy-buddy kind of friendship where you both go screwing off and having each others backs. It was a strange but wonderful friendship of caring, understanding, and encouragement.

In the chat I had saved, which was one of our final ones, we talked about us and why we never gave in to a relationship that was obviously sitting there in front of both of us. Of course I spent most of the conversation skirting the issue, or making wise cracks. What it boiled down to was ambition and goals. I didn’t have a single one and she had her eyes set on the future through and through. So while we both conceded that it would never have worked we both felt something very powerful.

Even though it happened years ago, it has a huge impact on where I am now and with someone whom I really like, but also spend a lot of time worrying about. I may not have the goals, determination, and strive that she may be looking for in someone as well. They share some similarities but are two completely different people, and thank God for that, cause if they were like two peas lost at sea then I would really have issue. No, they are definitely their own women, both are extremely awesome but I fear what it is I have to offer, which isn’t much. I’m not talking about money so much as just emotional stability, goals, plans, and directions to success. These are things I don’t possess and probably never will.

I guess it just comes down to Winners and Losers. Can opposites attract enough to level the field or is it a hopeless quest? I really just want to tell her (The friend from yesteryear) that I am sorry, truly sorry for being too chicken shit to stand up and apologize at the time and for every single day that has gone by since that I have not expressed myself for fear of losing someone who I lost years ago. I am sorry.

You can turn the page of your life every day, but in the end, that same book, with all the stories of your past will sit beckoning. There comes a time when you have to read through it once again and try to make sense of things you didn’t understand and try to make amends with the things you broke, as well as forgive the things that broke you.

Here’s to starting a new chapter, maybe I won’t fuck it up too badly, and maybe she won’t expect too much from me (That just sounds pathetic).